Life with Tinker Chapter 43: Yoga is not permissible. If you lay on your yoga mat, close your eyes, arms at your sides, palms to the ceiling, breathing innnnn through the nuse and ouuuuut through the nuse, there will be a cat attacking your hair, trying to eat it and alternately wrapping his entire body in it. The length of your hair does not matter.
Life with Tinker Chapter 44: When it's time to sit on the couch, watch TV and facebook, it is very likely that a cat will end up laying on your arm and shoulder and spend the next 20 minutes washing himself and biting his nails. You can move him, but he will be like a homing pigeon and end up right back where he was.
Life with Tinker Chapter 45: (he's full of lessons tonight) Just when you are thinking about to getting up to go pee, the cat will hop up and begin kneading your bladder. Cats have sense about these things. They can sense a full bladder from a mile away, or at least from across the house.
Life with Tinker Chapter 46: whenever you attempt to facebook about the wisdom of your cat, said cat will walk in front of your monitor and stick his butt in your face.
Life With Tinker Chapter 47: cats who drool do NOT rule. Ok, maybe they do, but it is by coercion. Do what I want or I will drool on you OR pee on your stuff. Your choice.
Life with Tinker Chapter 48: How to completely annoy the person who feeds you and cleans your poopy box: if there is a bag with something in it, garbage or groceries, it is imperative that you dig through it and make a mess. Then meow as if you are being abused when you are shooed away. Run away momentarily so that the human thinks they have a chance for peace. Then come back, climb up on their back and shake your head, doing your best impersonation of a St. Bernard and fling drool as far as you can, making absolutely sure to hit the monitor of the human's laptop and their face.
Life with Tinker Chapter 49: Just what part of STAY OFF OF MY COUNTER do you not understand?
Life with Tinker Chapter 50: Sometimes it is imperative to lock your cat on the porch so you can eat your dinner in peace. Otherwise, you will be hopping up every two minutes to chase the cat who will not eat chicken under any other circumstances away from the bowl of shredded bbq chicken, and not just any bbq chicken, but bbq chicken that has chipotle and sriracha sauce in it. I sincerely believe that he didn't want to eat the chicken, but to disturb my peaceful dining experience. :/ It might have been kind of funny if he had ate it. Oh, wait no, that would be Life with Tinker Chapter 51: barf and other nasty cat expulsions.
Life With Tinker Chapter 51: when your human has gone to work, spend as much time as possible sharpening your claws on the scratchy post. This is after digging through the trash, walking all over the counters because no one is there to shoo you away, investigating every new smell, and staring at the evil birds flying right outside your window, tormenting you, sticking out their beaks and squawking
"neener, neener, neeeeener, you can't get us!" ..what was I saying? Oh yes, sharpen your claws, take a quick nap, because you wouldn't want the human to come home and find you doing anything but napping. Then when the human sits down, find the most exposed piece of the human skin and KNEAD WITH YOUR VERY SHARP CLAWS. When the human moves you away, make a pitiful meow and declare superiority. Wait five minutes and repeat.
Life with Tinker Chapter 52: In order to make your cat happy, leave a small, quarter sized piece of clear plastic on the floor. This will give him, and you, many minutes of simple pleasure. Every time he saunters away to go do cat like things, stops and sees the plastic, pounces and runs maniacally through the house attacking the plastic, all is right in the world. That is until the fun ends and life returns to normal.
Life with Tinker Chapter 53: Every once in a while, you are reminded of what makes you love your kitty unconditionally. This evening, when I removed him from my (now) numb left arm, he didn't protest, he just curled up in a spot on my shoulder that was more acceptable to both of us. Then I laid my head on his and listened to him breathe...it's almost like listening to your kid breathe.
Life with Tinker Chapter Always:the sound of your cat snacking on a lizard is really quite unpleasant. I will have to remember not to let him breathe anywhere near my face for a couple of days. Hack, cough, hack. Where the hell are my ear plugs???????? Arghhhhhhhh.
Life With Tinker Chapter 54: cats do indeed like bacon. That is all.
Life with Tinker Chapter 55: listening to the soft snores of a cat curled up in the crook of your arm, making it challenging to type, is one of life's greatest moments. (I wonder when he will revert back to the horned feline and give me more sarcastic material to work with again. I'm kind of missing the evilness :/)
Life with Tinker Chapter 56: cats can emulate bats inasmuch as thy are capable of sleeping upside down. The only difference is that their perch is you arm.
Life With Tinker Chapter 57: NEVER turn your back on chicken you have just washed and set on the counter. Your meal will be missing part of it's protein.
Life with Tinker Chapter 58: Pay careful attention to what your human is wearing when they get ready for work in the morning. Follow them around, meow continuously, making them think you just want food, but what you REALLY want is to determine if the clothes your human is wearing are subject to snags and other forms of destruction by claw. Once you have determined that the article of clothing is e
asily damaged, wait until your human leaves the house and spend extra time during the day sharpening your claws. Once your human returns and sits on the couch, curl up closely to your human, purr, make a sweet face and begin to heavily knead the humans article of clothing. Make sure if they try to move your paws to curl your paw ensuring that your claw is firmly attached and must be removed, thereby creating a snag or hole. They think you just want to be friendly, but you really know the truth. Bwahahahhhahahahah...meow
Life with Tinker Chapter 59: How to have some fun at your human's expense. This only works it you are a cat with white fur. Here's what you do: When your human sits on the couch and proceeds to play stupid games on the computer instead of making sure your every wish and demand is being met, get behind the human and rub all over their head. Only stop when you have left a sufficient number of white
hairs on your humans head. Then be patient. Once the human gets up to go the bathroom, follow them and watch and wait. When the human goes to wash their hands, they will eventually look in the mirror and cry "oh shit! where did all of those gray hairs come from?!!!!" Run away quickly so as to keep the human from hearing your guffaws at their expense.
Life with Tinker Chapter 60: it is extremely difficult for a cat to maintain their stealth-like capabilities when their toe nails are too long and you have wood floors. Mark this down as one for the human :)
Life with Tinker Chapter 61: Cats are the ultimate Nosy Neighbor. They sit on the porch, watching, sniffing the air, and standing on their hind legs when their super feline hearing alerts them to abnormal activities in the neighborhood. Then they run from window to window, making sure to catch every bit of the action. They meow loudly to let you know "hey human! Somethin is uuuuuppp! Come check out THIS shit!" Only you as the human don't have super feline hearing or sense of smell, so you are left feeling as if you are on the outside looking in. Sigh.
Life with MR. Drools aka Tinker Chapter 62: I knead, I drool. You may not need or want my drool, but it's all about my kneads and wants...yours are inferior and not really worth my consideration. Meowr.
Life with Tinker Chapter 63: Unbeknownst to me, Tinker has decided to challenge the record holder in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest claw.
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